This is a voluminious topic that is going to take me a lot of time and energy to blog it.I have already written about it in my diary but i am still entertaining this fond hope that may be my blog does exist and i can make it public, hoping to put a brake on such games being played on me that is becoming more and more dangerous as days go by ,I have put an end to blogging in Sujataism .I wanted to do blog my translations of hyms occasionally in this blog thinking that since i have stopped writing at home and am not too deep into public matters i would be let free.I even removed my lineage ,education qualifications from my profile hoping that by going anonymous and no longer writing or only blogging if at all on my translations of pasurums and slokas only in this blog which i got created for myself unlike Sujataism which was created for me by my late son Vidat i can get back to a normal life.No !My anonimity has emboldened my no touch torturers and public humiliations and physical punishments have become severe ,once i am out of my house.Just be a house wife , enjoy u tube and otp'slike so many around me want me to be . I tried, liked it naturally owing to my getting older[i am 67 now]Can't type sitting in a chair for too long.And if i write i keep on pouring out everything locked up[ 'owing to fear of others capitalising on it] it takes me several days , hitting my routine life and my simple entertainments.
I have restored my profiles in both the blogs viz Sujataism and Sujataism2 referring to my degrees, marital status ,lineage and about my family. I secured seats in top colleges like LSR and law faculty in delhi not due to influence or reservations .It was purely on merit.Being a brahmin i and my sons had to compete in general category.It was easier for me due to less competition .I was invited by LSR to take a seat in Economic honours -the most prized degree in those days.I was invited in the very first round becuase i came in merit list in 11th in the state [delhi] in 1974.I topped my school dtea in arts and got a gold medal for it .I changed to history honours as i found economics very mathematical.For coming in merit list i was awarded merit scolarship for my undergraduate studies by CBSE .Similarily i got a seat In Law faculty delhi due to merit and got A grade and stood fifth in state when i passed out in 1980.I even cleared ias prelims twice the following years .
Both my sons got admission in SVBC ,computer sciences by competing in general category in here at Chennai .purely by merit .With a steep 70 % reservation + the fact that any one could compete in general category made it a very tough competion for them .To secure seats in prestigious colleges i didnot use my lineage viz being grand daughter of M.A.Iyengar either for myself or for my sons ,it was all by pure merit.[ giving steep donations in here for sons to get a seat in a good college was out of question given our ordinary- middle class- financial status].
Just because by birth we are Brahmins belonging to priestly caste whose anscestors long long ago by hearetd voluminiousVedas . that we are all born brilliant.Nothing of that sort .i had to study and do alot of hard work by burning the midnight oil to get the good grades that i got .Same with my sons .They had to attend tutorials, study hard through out the year to get the outstanding marks they got in order to get admissions in good colleges for engineering.They had a tougher competition because of 70 % reservation s for all except for Brahmins whilst in my times it as only 40%. There were more educated parents when my sons competed than when i competed .My parents were not highly educated .My mother discontinued school at 1o'th class and my father was a ordinary BA who reached the top of his career as chief of administration of CSIR by sheer hard work .
Though belonging to priestly caste we never received 'cosmic vibrations 'to to make us pass exams with a snap of our fingers.We had to toil like hell.
How ever it has only turned worse .Life threatning.If my blog exists , i think it does becuase i can type and publish .Maybe public cannot view it .Neverthless , if i blog what i am being needled to i may one day enjoy reading it .
Iam never allowed to maintain this blog or sujataism purely for religious purposes .If i translate a pasurum of azhwars even in my house i would be provoked and punished in such a way that i would have to blog my observations on my life that turned unnatural since 2012.And also on our society and its conservativness, on public affairs and to indirectly criticise Modi in past years but not now,it is now about anti brahminism and how dangerous it has become for me an elderly woman to go out on my own..It is like a punishment for writing down sanskrit slokas and Tamil Pasurums even if i donot blog it.If these fellows are reading my writings and blogs then they are educated ,then why not use a educated person from thier own circle to write whatever angst they have instead of hiding behind my back and prodding me on and on?The pit falls i meet in pondi bazar and encounters with rude sc's will not fetch any views or good feed back.I am blogging it becuase as i said earlier a tremendous pressure is exerted on me if i copy slokas from net or read and translate them or read Gita or pasurums for my own pleasure.It is to so do with my religious studies .Some body cannot stomach it and wants to cut it and wants to keep me glued to the computer.the way i am doing now.Another factor is rains .Despite hurdles and pitfalls i go outside for walks and therefore get tired and too exhausted to write or blog but the natural hurdle rains is keeping me at home and i am full of energy and have the time to spare.
I know that by blogging none of my provocations and sadistic punishments for eaves dropping on my views at home about 'anti sanatana' debate that is going will stop .To thier low life loyalists their bosses are beyond reproach and how dare i criticise aloud to my husband who poor man never opens his mouth these days on politics etc.He is too petrified.Even my constant thought over a matter that was long ago over and hardly important to me after that phase when it was in head lines, is due to suggestions or messages given to me by perverts whilst i eat or change clothes or bathe and speciallly when i am in the toilet and why punish me and not the suggestion giver?It is manly to go to the source and attack them and not me .
Ofcourse Anti brahminism exists.It did since i was in primary class and i have experienced it first hand and is still continuing .I have eloborated on this in Sujataism so am not doing it again .It also exists amongst Tamiliyans outside Tamilnadu though to North indians we are all [sc non brahmin and brahmin] cunning Madrasis who oppose hindi.It doesnot ie hatred for Brahmins is unique to Tamilnadu .It is toxical political tool for power that has brain washed a large segment of society..It is not in there other states of India. It is reverse of untouchability .In bus black women will shout if i fell on them saying don't touch,small vendors will shout if i dare touch their wares. Now back to suggestion givers .Why do i succumb so easily?This is because of the High decibel audio micro wave blasting of my forehead in 2012 for 3 weeks continuosly that left a nervous wreck and this was followed by group stalking by my so called respectable middle class neighbours that left me at mercy of all and sundry.Since then i lost control as to what to write and what not to write.This wa s followed by painful gripping of my skull with no touch torture for 3 weeks which further weakened me and was made to excrete whitish sticky fluids for another 3 weeks that made me drop in exhaustion.Doc said there was nothing wrong in my uterus.I became suceptible to every suggestion giver [they use mobile phones]as it all penetrated easily into my brains.All this is 24 into seven.It is miracle that i have still some power to discriminate as to what is my thinking and what others have planted.Refer sujataism for details on the above evidenceless no touch torture.Then recently two years back i was given such torture in which my forehead rotated inside like a vertigo ,again for 3 weeks.I am writing all this for the new crop in new govt who maynot know the tortures i have endured when i was 55 ,57 and 65 years respectively.which is making me behave as one who is out of self control.
Who am i supposed to be?
On the ground I am not K.C.Sujata hist hons ll.B , 67 years old English speaking female with a admirable lineage .All this is only in my blog profile and in the shelf where i have kept all those degrees and certificates to prove it .
Once i am on the street on my foot I am a illiterate or semi educated SC +converted Dalit christian or Muslim .A person from poor house hold .My age and gender also is also different .One day i am teenaged boy with his awakening manhood on other days a transgender .and yet again a school girl who is yet to attain puberty.I am not even in India!
After so many long years of such a veil put around me i stumbled on this only a few months back on my return from Bangalore.When i got off the train at central station at Chennai and was walking towards the entrance i felt a severe head ache all of a sudden .I was amongst a huge crowd yet some one was giving me this irritating pain .I stopped and turned my head to left and then to right the trick i learnt to get rid of this blocking off my forhead .It didn't work .It persisted .I tried again and my eyes fell on the sleek engine of Vande Bharat we had just disembarked and on the digital words running on the top.-viz--Indian Railways in english.Instantly that uncomfortable head ache vanished .poof -into thin air!
It took me few days to think this over when i had the leisure .Was my true identity being concealed?That I am a Indian living in Chennai a state in India , am a woman of 67 years of age , have a family, well educated English speaking english thinking hindu, Brahmin, Tamiliyan, belonging to middle class with a decent standard of living and with enough means .
Immediately I changed my profile in the blogs and mentioned all above forgetting that what i am in the blog is not what i am being viewed on the ground but left out my lineage that i am the grand daughter of man who fought for the freedom of this country ,who did a lot of sacrifises in that process and was elected to constituent assembly of India Any way i tried to anonymous But ,it didn't work .It only emboldened the constant provokers and those who are concealing my true identity to give me severe punishments/pain like near paralysis in my legs if i dared to read English and Tamil sign boards of Govt of India like bsnl telephone pillars or Lic at ground level when on foot.on certain spots.Habits die hard .How much ever i am warned not to read by giving me such pain i still do read sign boards but not delibertaely .I am a reading person .It is natural for me to do so.From when is reading a crime in india and chennai?Even for that i am punished .with mental tortures and physical pain.
No use .My forehead was again being blocked and it got very seriously into my mind that my identity was being deliberately fudged , concealed and altered.
Some thing clicked .I keep seeing only maids ,sanitary workers , drivers ,school kids in my morning walks .In the shops i see delivery boys and sales girls .All from lower class .Unlike olden days all are dressed neatly .The servant maids and i wear similar polyster sarees , carry a bag for groceries .and wear gold jewellry.The diamond ear studs that stood me out from them .fell off my ear hole one day .So even that stamp of middle class Brahmin woman was taken off me.I seldom come across women of my age and class in my morning walks .I get to see them only if i shop .in the posh Pondy bazaar market in the evenings.which i do only rarely where as my morning walks are pretty regular .I am blogging all this because it has been raining on and off for weeks and i donot go for walks on slipperry roads .I am confined to the house owing to the rains.So I have the time and energy .
Am i moulded on the lines of a person from a lower class? Does that explain the obvious affection that sweepress of shops and hotel toilets and on the road show towards me?Is it nastying or shirking of responsibility to protect me or a cover up job of the evidenceless no -touch -torture done on me thrice over past 12 years in a full fledged manner?
This cover up become very nasty over past two years .Before that i was fighting to establish that i a hindu was not converted to Christianity or Islam or to another hindu sect and that i was Srivaishnavaite vadagalai iyengar.Now this is more serious .I have to fight to establish that i am a citizen of India apart from establishing that i am not a SC or Muslim or a different hindu sect from mine.Fighting it in the blogs is of no use ,i had to do it on the ground, so i didnot bother to blog this .
I realised that apart from those who see what i see or see what i visualise there are those in large numbers read what i read .For this reading only a reader is required .With 5,6,7g's etc god knows as to what level or what all tricks these gadgets and smart phones can do.May be readers that read jaws movments are attached to phones are all available in internet markets
This non stop interest in me is astonishing .Are all those doing this guilty of hurting me physically and there fore want to cover up or are they want to hurt me more?I think the latter .Toxic people. .
Reason--
1.cover up that evidence less no torture done on me by wiping out my identity .This female in the blog is fictitious she does not exist.
2. Anti brahminism? There are several out spokenTamil brahmins in TN on the net with lakhs of views castigating anti brahminisism in meetings etc but nobody is hurting them.I am a small fry.But still it could be .A non brahmin ,or muslim or christian woman in thier 60's would have been never been tortured like this.
3.Anti Sujataism --my cultural writings?Again there are 1000's in the net in here at Chennai and all over india,My views on culture is hardly 10 -20.Again secular fundamentalists would hate even the smallest fry like me.It is a badge of honour for them to do this non stop harrassing.Vote bank and idealogy.
4. Aggresive evangelism?To convert me the sloka and hymn writer, which has a lot of views .Many have 10000 and more views.Thiru Pallandu by Peria aazwar in this blog has 44.5k views, Chatusloki in Sujataism has eleven thousand views, Thiru palliyezhuchi in Sujataism has 9.8 k views, Kasayadi and Raguvira gadyam has 9 k views each.all this is pretty good numbers when compared to other blogs or even u tube channels relating to these.I get a lot of good feed back and blessings from educated elders and not from hefty rowdyish hijras who gheroed me to suffocation in pondy bazaar giving their unsolicited dirty blessings in a recent trip . Those blogs take off slowly but they are popular for my easy translations and the fact that i enjoy doing it .I am sure that Mannikam katti in this blog will also become popular after some time.This blog post is for my protection where as those on slokas and hymns are for my spiritual satisfaction.They seem to give religious solace to many .Is that the cause of jealousy .Is it a crime to promote my Hindu religion and my Sri Vaishnavaite sect in here at Chennai ? Religious intolerance.towards a hindu brahmin woman.When i go out am i showcased a poverty stricken woman so that donors from abroad can send the dollars?Could be.
5.Foreign enemies--why should they ? I am asset to them if they know[they must be knowing] that i am a living talking evidence of evidence less torture.is real , alive and kicking? .Is the cover up in particular spots outside is to hide my identity and my thoughts from their eyes in the skies?I am a proof of how fundamental rights of a citizen in a country that boasts of its democracy is easily trampled upon despite my being educated and am the grand daughter of a freedom fighter, member of Congress party follower of M.K.Gandhi,elected constituent member of India Sri M.A.Ayengar who discussed those very rights in the parliament and help pass them!Irony.
What ever i had this urgent need to establish that I am in India not a NRI,and a citizen and am living in Chennai.after that railways incident.
It would be bizzarre if i wore my AAdhar card around my neck in my walks or whist shopping so i searched the Net as to what symbols and institutions are unique to India which i see daily .since i can't go to the railway station every day [it is 5 kms away] and read Indian Railways.
To get rid of my headache and establish my citizenship[ hey i am a patriotic indian, donot de mean me] i should not merely glance but read the sign boards .So i started reading SBI, BSNL Telephones ,post boxes of india post, cylinder gas -Indane,Tata play t.v.live streaming,Also TNEB pillars , metro buses , police patrol all cars.that is unique to Chennai.
ofcourse Indian currency.There is a catch Nepal uses upto 500 rs but not our coins .So i started carrying a lot of coins and give exact change in shops .But i have to look at them keenly[ maybe with magnifying glasses] as only 10 rs coins are readable.
What all i have learnt at this age !all that i took for granted can no longer be taken for granted.
In quest to establish my belonging to india and chennai i started to read all the sign boards in english and tamil pain stakingly.on my sojourns.Sadists who always have me in their sights and thoughts but away from my sight were waiting to undo it.by paralysing my legs momentarily thrice on the roads when on foot and nearly ran a bus over me.when i tried to cross a road---
So this went on .The sign boards which i hardly glanced at i started reading keenly in all my trips outside my house whether on foot or on on vehicles .I wanted to establish to all and sundry having a unnatural interest in me that in am not a nri or in pakistan or a tribal naxal.That i am in india in a huge city .down south.I have observed that where ever i go there will be muslims ie with white cap and burkha ,sanitary workers [maybe christians]and men with red tikka.All from lower class .Always.Am i being moulded as one of them ?I wanted to shed this illusion that was being created around me.This on one side and following on the other .
After change in govt in here at TN some of the black toned people like auto drivers, sales boys and girls started becoming openly nasty .They were hostile before but now they became too brash and became emboldened to show it to me on my face.
A darkish woman manager who is dark stout in 40's with her forehead painted top to bottom with sticker bindi, sacred ash , black ash of camphor, chandan etc.with erect body and a jutting huge bust [which in our teenage days we girls used to joke that such a generous bodily endowment was useful to carry purses that could be easily balanced on it without it having it to be carried by hand] of the veg Ac retail store viz KPN answered me rudely when i enquired about the late arrivals of fresh vegetables and asked her to report this.Instead of thier arrival at 7 am which they normally did earlier they were coming around 9 and that timing didnt suit me .They always arrived when i finished my shopping or didnt arrive at all.She was jotting down something outside the shop ,stopped and angrily started to say there are140 more such shops and your request is absurd.She was replying on top of her voice furiously and all the delivery boys looked at me pityingly .They are all from North india.Not being quick on uptake or fluent in Tamil i kept quiet.But returned home seething in anger .She has seen me for 18years in that shop buying veges and other items and was indifferent and hostile but never showed so much disrespect towards me .
Can i wrest her in another argument if i picked one .Never.Should i ask for acomplaint book .Too much bother.So no .But i had to feel good inside so i decided that next time i saw her i will abuse her inside and get over my humiliation. So when i saw her next in that shop i looked into her eyes a straight and coolly and said inside 'Rakshasi'.Her reaction was surprising she looked terror stricken , bodily shaken fled into the shop and hid herself from my sight .I didn't speak aloud .I didnt utter a single word I only thought and she ran away in fear!I have reasoned thus she didnt hear but those reading my thoughts read it and made her move instantly.All are puppets.I have often been shown that my thoughts are read by enacting whatever i thought ,over past several years .I didnt see her for several days .Was back after a week or so.
Rakshasi is not a vulgar or obscene or crude abuse .It is used to denote people who are domineering and brash.
I castigated myself .What a fool i have all these years .Those who read my thoughts are doing a crime they are also the ones provoking and i can give it back by just thinking of some abuses.They will not admit reading my thoughts so they cannot abuse me back openly.If only i could have seen the amazed expression on the readers face i would have felt even more happy .He or she finally got a taste of her own medicine. After tasting blood after seeing a meek cowing down after that ' Rakshasi incident ,i started lining up choiciest abuses in English and Tamil in case i needed it in future shopping or walking .I have been gifted with a evidenceless, thinking abuse tool and was going for the kill.and clear my way of harrasers etc.
In fact in my last stay at Bangalore when i set out on my morning walk a cynical looking maid without any bindi threw a garbage bag that narrowly missed me and immediately i said bitch inaudibly .She walked away unconcerned but a fair youth maybe a Muslim who was cleaning a car outside a flat on opposite side straightened and looked at me in a surprised manner like as if he heard what i said.There was a lot of distance between us, a broad road separated us and he didnt have any mobile .So he couldnt have heard, it was the provocteur and the reader who had reacted where ever he was hidden from sight .I didnt delve too much into this then and didnt grasp the significance of the tool ,the double edged sword which i the victim could use against the aggresor.This happened several months ago . What ever i am blogging has happened 2 -3 months back.
Then when i went out i started using the abuses i had lined up .If any one glared at me i would think kolli kannu,popping eyes,if i saw middle aged men in dirty clothes who repulse me by thier melting looks i would think dirty vazhisal and so on .But soon got tired of it .This was spoiling my walk which is mainly to refresh myself with fresh air and free mind.So i dropped it
When i have a shopping in pondy bazaar to do i skip my morning walk and take a walk in the evening to the shops .Of late this walk up to pondy bazzar and shopping there which is just 1\2 km away has become a deathly trap '
One evening near the south boag road signal [which is bermuda triangle for me as this is the place my head will start whirling in evenings when i returned on foot from the market ]This was before this govt .Govts come and go but my torture remains.A tall and hefty hijra -transgender in sari with a amiable face asked me for money .I gave her 20 rs .She didnt allow me to go, coercing me for more and said she would bless me .I said No .i donot want your blessings.She is not a sadhu or acharya .Adirty pickpocket at day and pros at night .Immediately i was sorrounded by her companions -all were very tall and hefty .I felt suffocated in this gheroing.I became scared ,but up a brave face ,They wanted more money and hoping to escape i opened my purse and a dirty repulsive malish hijrs swiped 500 rs off my purse and hid under his lungi .There were lot of people around me but no one came to rescue me.The usual traffic police was missing and i was unnerved .I could have dialled 100 but it didnt strike me then I was busy trying to get back my money .I asked them to give it back .The thief pretended tolift his lungi hoping to scare me .Hijras scare or embarrass people by showing thier private parts and they comply.to thier demands .The amiable looking hijra said NO NO .I said i have no problem let him lift his lungi and i ll check.I am 67 years old with 2 deliveries , surgeries etc and such cheap scare tactics donot work on me .He lifted his lungi ,was wearing a bermuda with pockets , immediately the amiable hijra pushed me away saying we didnot rob and a watch man or passerby of standing near gestured me to go away .He smiled at the Hijra . I left thoroughly upset.Just then i saw a white couple with a youthful daughter .She smirking . i was in no mood to smile .Then i went to titan shop nearby which was my destination to buy a watch .Came back home and ruminated over this ordeal .I had seen Kerala files on fire tv the day before and the enactment of the market scene was similar.
After a week i saw a pleasant young police man guarding a MP.s house .I usually walk in this peaceful , tree lined stretch.He was very approachable ,So i told him about my ordeal ,He said i must report to the police station.I said forget it .for 500 rs i can't go up and down to police station a km away.Let it be .He then said in my college days when i saw hijras i would keep my face stern .and they never troubled me .These people from far see who are good victims .I thanked him for the tip and left .
I practised before the mirror to get a stern look . I t was tough .A mellowed face always looked back .And when i set out for walks and saw hijras i would keep my face stern .I tried keeping this face all through me walks and walked without stare, glares and vazhials.and felt a great freedom .Nobody dared to trouble me.And i thanked that police man when next he politely enquired if i was troubled by hijras .What a nice police man , young, well set and fresh, the system had not yet got into him .
After 2 weeks i got tired of this .It was tough maintaining that mask so i dropped it .I never saw that tall group again in pondy bazaar .after that ghareo.This happened before i started reading sign boards.
There is another incident in north boag road where veg shop is .A new watch man appeared in kpn .He was short stocky and as black as coal.He was friendly .I was polite.when he offered Japa water[christian] to cure my hub's fractured leg i politely declined .I wondered whether he was set up by evangelists.That shop has two 5 star hotels nearby where a lot of foreigners stay.He was getting over familiar by the day ,one day he shook my hands like a westerner .I wanted to shake him off .But couldnt .He was always smiling and reminded me of charli chaplin.On a sunday he asked what is special food today .He was treating me as non brahmin servant maid who eat meat on Sunday's That really got me furious and i wanted to tick him off but hesitated , at that juncture a white capped low class muslim youth drove by on a moped with his burka wife and child.Seeing that person with a happy face it some how gave me the strength to have it out.lower class .Muslim men in white never stare or glare or vazhiafi at me though they also stalk me.But middle class muslim men dressed like the rest in pants etc do glare and show thier hostiliy towards me openly .It includes some neighbours of my middle class flat who are doing it for nearly 12 long years! Amazing how they are sustaining their animosity towards me a brahmin woman for so long! viz from 55 years to now 67. This disgust ,dislike and anger mirrored in thier eyes and stiffening of their bodies the moment they see me also includes some Hindu neighbours.I am not in politics nor in public limelight hence these very strong emotions exhibited towards me surprises.me.For the past 12 years or more i am occupying thier thoughts stirring negative emotions like hatred , anger ,revenge etc!Compliment?In a twisted perverted manner.So i told the watch man i am visiting this shop for nearly 20 years and no watch man acted the way you are doing .if you continue i will stop coming here.He stared back at me with eyes that had become like saucers .His looks borred into me .This was no ordinary watch man.But i stood my ground and looked back.when i visited next that watch man had vanished and never came back .This also before my quest for identity.
The pit falls after reading sign boards on foot in the evenings.
. 1. I had to take delivery of my blouses stitched in Naidu hall which is in centre of Pondy bazzar market .ON my way on foot in the evening i read carefully the bsnl telephone pillar near the signal and then the sign board of canara bank atm .Former only in english latter in Tamil also then reached the shop .I had earlier prepared myself to my new found tool on the thin light skinned manageress at that shop who had been bugging me for last 5 years and more .What ever i instructed for changes she would tell the exact opposite in a rude manner .Now i was waiting to nasty her .The thought that i would nastying the provocateur didnt occur as she was the one doing it steadily for years .It was for her and for me to get over it.
I eagerly entered the 4 th floor but she was nt there .Felt deflated ,I was denied the pleasure i was so looking forward to..Another dark manageress was there .she is not that rude .so i let it be .
She was not there the next time that is a month or two back either .I had done same thing -walk in the evening read boards etc. Then i went to bodice section .The sales girl suddenly became impolite , brushing my hands off the bodice i wanted to feel to check if it was cotton and refused to show more .A sudden change over her just when some Brahmin women came in .They were shocked at her behaviour towards me .This made me feel publicly humiliated [reverse untouchability?] or was i being treated as a person of lower class women who donot wear such bodices .And They donot shop in posh shops like Naidu hall , only in pothy's saravana etc and i was breaking that lower class shopping practises every time i visited this shop.She ordered me to follow her to sales counter .I knew she was being micro waved or messaged but so was i .My head was boiling and i forgot that it was not her fault , i also forgot that it was a provacteur .When she came towards me i thought inside Insolent bitch -the abuse i had carefully chosen from my vocabulary and had reserved it for that thin managress.She changed instantly , she was simpering all over me , so did a man with specs at the counter .On seeing her change so drastically to a whimpering puppy within a second of my abusing her inside i cooled down and realised that this change was because the reader of my thoughts was scandalised .That person didnt expect this of me.Foolish .They havent read my blogs that is not aware of my vocabulary .If pushed to a corner i have to use some strong language dipping into my vocabulary.And i am always being heated , provoked and pushed.If a person keeps on barking he is a dog and if it happen s to be a female dog it is called a bitch.
That i scandalised the reader gave me a high.I reason that provocaters and readers are same .I came out happy at my long last victory . As i proceeded onwards to catch a auto i glanced down and read Lic written in tamil on lower end of the boundary wall.It was automatic and not deliberate.I merely glanced and immediately i felt a loss of sensation in both my legs waist down .Oh no I thought in Tamil i am going to collapse in middle of this market at front of every one I clutched the iron cum granite pillars for support .Immediately i heard a auto horn .Driver said get in .Could i walk.I could .He himself set a decent fare 50 rs and dropped me at my flat ,There were no religious symbols in his auto .He glared at our watch man who maybe a sc , and left .What a rescue! I was absolutely at the end of my thether .He came swiftly like a guardian angel at my alarm and my inner anguish!
Next 3 incidents happened in South boag road near Bank of Baroda
1. I was returning from a medical shop after placing order with the muslim shop keeper for my daily medicines and took a longer route back home as a walking excersise . in south boag road towards the signal . I deliberately read bsnl tele placed on the ground .Immediately a man ih 30's walked towards a posh car looking at his mobile and cursing .He could be a well off muslim or northy or brahmin .All three look alike if they donot decorate their foreheads .All are fair .But my bet is Muslim .
Then i saw a drunkard at the signal but luckily escaped him .
2.Next i was again on that road in the evening walking with my shopping bag , read the tele board .There was no car .Only a auto .When i turned to get a glimpse of road side temple of Hanuman i again lost sensation in my legs .Paralysis? By now i had started doing leg stiffening excersise . I tried it and clutched my bag .This was near that bank .I clutched at its iron gate for support ,slowly i regained sensation and walked back hom e.No i was nt taking a auto, i am not going to be defeated by sadists .But i stopped reading signs.of govt.If i am only a tamil medium person let it be.If i am a sc or tamil christian or muslim or low class non brahmin let it be .I do not belong to this country ok .or i belong but i am a extreme mus or christian who donot like being a indian ,.So what let it be.The problem arisses only if i read govt of india's sign boards are only in english .No prob if i read only state govts signs .Ok let me be a separatist .So what i need to walk that is all.
After the first incident When i told my doc about loss of sensation he tested my leg bones with a wooden hammer and said there was nothing wrong with them .Every thing else was under control .He prescribed vitamins.
3. Again after a month or so i had to buy medicines .Now owing to rains i started to take umbrella .This gave me a catch in my left knees which i guessed would prevent me from falling down and i wanted to test reaction to reading bsnl again .when i neared it i thought forget it .I am not all that young to fight the faceless monsters .so i didnt .When i neared that bank a dark man in 30's came out smirking .He looked like a policeman i often see around .I felt revolted on seeing him .Was he a christian or Sc or non brahmin.Who ever he would be He was gloating over a67 year old woman's defeat .was he a man at all?Instead of tackling persons of his age he was taking pride in tackling a elderly woman in a that to in a covert manner ,who would be 70 years in two years from now. ---Had i read the sign he would have microwaved my knees or spine.and made me to collapse. Last time it was a fair skinned person viz muslim [urdu i guess] this time it was this dark skinned fellow . These two skin colours always act in pairs. .Whilst the fair skinned went away cursing when i read the pillar of bsnl this dark smirking fellow hidden in the bank was there to deliver the paralysis punishment if i dared to read the bsnl pillar. . It is like as if i am giving quivers to these these faceless persons shadowing and attacking me .They are quaking at the very sight of me!that is why they are attacking me.What a compliment at this age! Maybe this fear of me will be alive till i am alive .Absurd but may be true .
4.My most recent trip a few weeks backs to that shop reached the highest point of desperation.I had to buy nighties .As usual i set on foot in the evening The kakhi pant and dirty banian man whom i always see when a accident takes place in our neighbourhood was coming towards me in a scooter ..He is bearded ,has rings in his ears and i call him omen of accident s .But i didnt bother becuase he turned up from his den only when accidents happened to others.Minor ones.
Pondy bazaar was lighted up that gave it a fairy tale look . I noticed that a new Tanishk shop selling diamonds had come up .I wondered whether i should go in and take alook Then decided against it as i hadnt much time.As i neared the signal i saw our provisions delivery man a NE who looks like a chinese man .He was not Bahadur -bent in humility and never meeting my eyes but very erect , and confidently striding in security garb .I thought he was working n some shop nearby as part time.Then i reached the signal .Due to on going metro works routes are often changed for traffic and at that crowded chaotic junction near a petrol bunk there are no signals and no traffic police . A free for all.Traffic coming from all sides .
I stood near a group of young women waiting to cross and i did when they did and i was nearly on the other side when i saw a metro bus turning fast and wildly in that turning from pondy bazaar.He was dark and was looking straight ahead with a glazed look and missed me by a hair breadth.He didnt even look down I felt no fear at all since it was sudden and unexpected .As i got on to the pavement saw a middle aged couple in glasses .The woman had cut her hair short and had a small bindi .She smiled at me tentatively .I smiled back and reached the shop and shopped .I was not in the least perturbed by my brush with death .When i thought over it back home i was thinking why am i not quaking and shivering in fear ?I would have been surely been crushed to death on the spot , my body battered and spllatering blood all over the road in the midst of all that traffic and the shopping crowd .if i or that driver was a second too slow or fast respectively.What a humiliating death it would have been .Like being hanged in the market place for all to see .in days gone by .To die in my house when it comes was what i was wishing.
ok .why no fear on my part?Becuase it was so sudden that if hit i wouldnt have had the time to think at all .It would have been too fast and quick.for my brain to react.or my heart to feel fear.
I pondered further .Was this really a accident or was it deliberately done? If accident then this --i lost my natural caution to not to cross with youngsters because they are faster than me .I blindly trusted their judgment which is[ unusual of me ]and turned at a blind spot which i normally never do.
Was it deliberate ? Could be .Reason could be that the day before i suddenly started criticising the cm's and deputy for not clarifying whether wiping out Sanatana dharma means wiping out Hinduism or untouchability.What were they implying ?I f former do they want to replace it with other religions/ if latter why this hypocracy ,why not clarify properly . This when i had dinner the time the suggestion giving perverts are very active .They also love the toilet and once i caught myself thinking about Iran and israel all of a sudden and we should back iran like as if i am columnist or pm or eam .I guessed it was a suggestion and thought 'scavenger'and in Tamil 'kakuskaran 'only such people will visit any toilet without revulsion .immediately the suggestion stopped and i didnt get any such in foreign affairs after that .
The omen the kakhi pant was actually warning me !Don't go .May be even that NE provision delivery man.But such warnings are not openly given so what is the use .If they really wanted to save me they would have done it openly .and not make me deduce it .How can i be alert all the time .I t is unnatural to expect a person a woman though educated [not in intelligence] at my age after all those forehead tortures that has dumbed me down, to be always alert.
And i made a another mistake .I read all the english hoardings amd even thought of entering Tanishk to see the diamonds .This is in absolute contravention to the image of me being built as a servant maid , sweepress etc.
if deliberate then the person had both of us in sight .Fudging my decisions and urging that driver to take a fast turn in a blind turning.Was my escape in hair breadth due to perfect timings and speed to scare me or did they err and did not finish me off and are scuffing thier feet at thier lapse .?
OK if it was deliberate and i was let off what was the message ?Donot mess with those who have home as portfolio. in this state?we low life loyalists will not take it .Even if you speak in your house we will harm you once outside .
Or was the messaging subtle 'anti sanatan' means 'anti brahminism' stupid. That driver was dark and it w as always conveyed to me , since the change in govt in here at TN that it isSC's who are harsh and brutish towards me a brahmin woman and who are doing this no touch torture on me .i will believe this only when such suggestion givers show their face to me and also the evidence to prove it ..
This was several weeks ago .Only recently i wrote in my diary as i felt that if it was a delibertae attempt at my life that i 'd better write and blog it as these people were getting desperate .day by day. i played a waiting game. I also didnt write earlier because i didnt and still donot know as to who are the perpetrators.I didnt want to get into dirty politics.I could be a fodder for any body .IF it is decided to hurt me or kill me in this sly manner i can do nothing about it.It is a dracula thirsting for my blood and i have no power to stop it.and was not going to moan and groan about it .follow this daily routine till then is my motto now. If not for the rains that has prevented me from going out i wouldnt be blogging .Otherwise I would go for walks, do puja , do house work etc which tires me . i was too caught up in that routine of walk ,housework, cooking shopping,and then relax by watching news on tv,u tube , series and movies in fire tv ,to spare time for this .
We have a PM who tells women be brave and has allowed them to combat duties in army and have a CM who recommends walking and yoga to keep fit .and here i am I can't even take a walk to Pondi bazzar in the evening or walk in main road like South boag road in evenings nor do yoga in my balcony without a new neighbour a gorrila glaring down at me.
