Four months back whilst dusting and arranging my books i came across a old brittle book written by late Sri Agnihotri ThathaChariar in Tamil.He was our Acharya.
In that book enitittled" Varalatril Pirandha Vainavam "published in 1973, he has in a very scientific manner, using manuscripts ,edicts , inscriptions traces the history of SriVaishnavism in Tamilnadu.
In that book he has written that we have idols in temples not only to worship essence of God in definable form but also to fix our mind on the form of Supreme Brahman.Sri Ramanujar has advocated the meditation on form of MahaVishnu and Lakshmi when ever we recite slokas in their praise or whilst doing japa of the three main mantras viz Ashtashsharamantram , Dvayamantram and Charmasloka.
Ramanuja who established that Supreme Brahman and His consort have a form a body just like us ,has given a vivid word picture of Sriman Narayana and His consort Sri/ Lakshmi, in Vaikuntum.He has described the body , the attire worn and the jewels adorning them as well as the weapons Narayana carries on His person , in his Gadyams.
Yet it is difficult for ordinary people to conjure a image from words unlike the deeply devouts or artists like Ravi Varma.So Thatha chariar says one of the main reasons for enshrining idols in temples is to give us the common people an distinct form to worship and address our prayers , japa etc,to the Supreme Brahman daily in our mind in our daily pujas in our houses by recollecting the images of idols in our mind after visiting temples .
Sri Agnihotri Thatha chariar was a great scholar and an authority on Sri Vaishnavism,besides he was also our Acharaya.His observation and analysis is so practical and easy to implement that I decided to follow it .
So after my usual daily puja of reciting few Slokas and Pasurums i sat quietly with eyes closed trying to recollect the images of my favourite deities-of Perumal and Thaayaar from my previous visits to the temples .I could recollect some of them and it gave me and still gives me a indefinable pleasure in doing so .
I may have 100 hurdles thrown at me to prevent me from visiting a temple or whilst reciting slokas or whilst doing japa but who can obstruct my visualising the temples i like to visit and the handsome form of Srinivasar, Varadhar ,and the touching form of reclining Ranaganathar or Veera Raghavar or the beautiful form of their consorts or the doll like processional deities, glowing with beauty and lustre though dented by age and history?
The very next day I felt a uncontrollable urge to vomit.The nausea persisted ever since i started envisioning the idols .I couldn't eat properly . I felt like throwing up.I was having loose motions every day for past 3 and a half months.
Was there a link between the two .I had surmised that people interested in me could only read my thoughts.I had read in the Net that there are readers that can read a persons thoughts by following the jaw movements of a person, When a person thinks the jaws are said to move .It looked like as if these persons who are so perversly interested in me can even see what I visualise!This news , this discovery even that' people cookers com 'hasn't given.
OK what ever I was not going to abandon my visualising .I am in the house , so what if i make a dozen trips to rest room .I ll at least lose some of my fat .
SO for past 3 months I lost taste, hated food but loved the pleasure of visualising my favourite deities , the granite , black stone idols decked in silk and glittering ornaments.
The highest point of naseau was reached when we visited Bangalore to celebrate Sri Ramanavami and Tamil New Year in a family gathering.
I continued with my daily puja and of visulaising in here also.
After celeberating Rama's birthday in morning we attended a buffet ,a extended family get together in evening hosted primarily for relatives who had come from US.Had a go at all the sweets and good home cooked food.That night nothing happened .Nor the next day .But that night viz the 3 rd night of our stay I woke up in middle of night with my stomach turning upside down on the thick ,hot mattress and a uncontrollable urge to vomit.
I didnot get up .Lay flat without any movment as i feared that even a single movment from me, like just moving my body to get off the bed would make me vomit all over the bed and floor dirtying every thing in that room .Moreover if I gave in to the churning which was so severe , i knew would have become too exhausted and would have to take bed rest for the rest of my stay.
I couldn't make a dash to the bathroom unlike in here ,there was another bed and i at 65 years couldn't possibly hoist my body and jump over it to reach the bathroom.So I told myself relax.Come on control yourself.Bear it.
So I flattened myself and lay like a log.Didn't move a single part of my body .My stomach kept on churning .Was it the sweets i ate the night before?My sugar is not all that high.Was it food poisoning? Others who ate everything I ate were OK.
I shut my mouth tightly and closed my eyes .Suddenly the sculpture of Vishnu , bare,without any adornments ,tall with four hands , holding Chakra floated in my mind.Next heard the threat "Will you visualise and worship Srinivasar here after?Will you?"Even in that horrible state i noticed that it was not Srinivasar's idol since the right hand wasn't turned down .It was turned up in the usual blessing gesture of idols.
I was pinned down to the bed .I could not escape to the bathroom to throw up .I could not get myself to vomit on the bed .I was cornered and to my utter shame I said" No I will not visualise "
In here at my flat in Chennai i would never have caved down thus .I am alert here and am in familiar turf and there are no hurdles to reaching the toilet .I can do it in a jiffy.
That nightmarish threats subsided and slowly my stomachs churning also stopped .that is the no touch torture that lasted for 2 hours or more also left .Then I found my confidence to get up and go to the rest room .No vomit .The nauseau ,the uncontrollable urge to vomit had vanished completely!The typical signature of no touch tortures.The pain will come suddenly and also leave suddenly.without a trace.
I lay on the floor and decided to so for the rest of my stay there.
That morning to my surprise I could drink coffee!No nauseau nothing.
Later that day after my morning puja I said ''go to hell bedi pasangallaYou are attacking me in cover of darkness and from hiding , just like that crazy attempts at conversion in 2014 done on me.Come and tell me face to face that I shouldn't visualise idols and I shouldn't be a Hindu" and again visualised all my favourite idols and felt pleasure coursing through me.
Again naseau started .The pain I was feeling in the left side of my abdomen increased.The pain that was mild in Chennai had increased greatly .I cut down my morning walks and yoga on the terrace .The pain persisted .I had a long list of social outings .The very thought of visiting people scared me ,They would offer me food and the very thought of food was making me nauseuos. At this state I wondered whether I would get back home .I just wanted to hug my stomach and roll on the floor.
Then i decided that i will retreat from the battle till my visit , stop visualising idols till I got back to my familiar turf .I ll be back' Naanum rowdy aakum' .[I t is a dialogue from a comedy film we were watching in which a very mild soft Brahmin[Kamal] threatens to beat up a stranger for throwing a fish at him ] .Like so many battle of wits since I started blogging , I had also endured the bouts of naseau without whining for months at my flat although I knew It was given to me deliberately .I had decided not to write my very public diary and i wasn't going to and i didn't write for nearly a year. .
On dropping my newly found pet project i felt better .I could even visit a Srinivasar temple and eat the prasadham and travel back without the threat of having to keep on visiting the loo on the train
I wouldnot have written about this nightmarish experience as well and would have prefferred to battle it out on my own if not for the excruiting pain that was given to me on the left side of my abdomen on my return back home when , I re started my puja with visualising.Pain killers were of no use .I knew a visit to doc would be a waste.I bore it for three days and then gave up and started writing my diary .My body is getting old and my capacity to endure physical and mental tortures has also diminished.Immediately the pain stopped as I knew it would but I couldn't stop myself from writing on topics --of 'public interest 'my reactions to news" all of which is of no use to me.I observed that this unstoppable urge to write arose whenever a plane thundered above.
This non stop nausea for 3 months and reaching its pinnacle in Bangalore is as bad as micro audio wave torture I was subject to in 2012 in mornings then followed by screwing my scalp tightly at night s in 2014 which was followed by loss of liquid de hydrating and embarrasing me and then conversion attempts with coercion -all done covertly.
Apart from the major ones mentioned above I am constantly given minor ones like sting in eyes, heating my scalp ,dizziness whilst walking outside,sudden rapid thumping and leaping of heart which leaves me fatigued ,and many others.
Though I can safe guard myself from of the so called minor ones by moving away from that spot [ in comparison to major ones that go non stop for minimum 3 weeks]]I can never avert any major no touch torture .I ll never be allowed to write or talk about it .till such time it persists to achieve the goal of shutting me up for a period of time.
When i am let off the relief is so tremendous that i would even forget it like that awful churning of stomach at night and its tame after math.
Earlier I used to write furiously and blog it all owing to my belief in law, liberty, rights,privacy etc .10 years on i have learnt it in hard way .Law , rights etc be damned.All mannanga gatti It is a waste of time lamenting about the lack of it .No one cares .There must be scores of recepients of such no touch tortures much before i became a victim,[ they may not even know of it ,]since such skills cannot be honned in a day just for me and there could surely be in future also.
BUTthe pain in my abdomen in here after my trip to Bangalore forced me to write hoping to get relief and i got the relief immediately.I knew that because I wrote other tortures would also follow ,it is not going to stop ,but my immediate need was to stop persons from giving me excruiting pain in my abdomen[third degree methods] and i knew that only way is to write my public diary.
I read news and watch tv news for information and to be up to date and as a past time.I have views and then i forget it.Why should i write a thesis on it ?I am not a journalist who makes money out of writing on public issues nor a politician to to keep in touch with public so as .to keep themselves in power.This dirty game cannot consume my life .But it is.That is a fact.and it is very tough to get away from this trap, a vicious game
What had started as voluntary blogging in 2008 has become coercive after 2012.Then, that is upto2010 there were hardly any one on net now there are hordes with millions of views and ideas .So why still stick on to me?
I blogged this because ordinary persons will normally not have such equipments and I am sure only specialists who are reading my thoughts are also see what i visualise within me.This rattled and shocked me. which crevice of my heart or recess of my mind can i ever claim to be mine? .
Why are these specialists scaring me out of my visualisng Vishnu and Lakshmi?Is it causing them allergy?Who are these perverts who are so interested about my every thought i have and every thing i imagine or visualise?They are not well intentioned .They are bad and inimical .They have no respect or regard for me.They are either full of hatred towards me or want to exploit me to suit their purposes.
If they had any regards or respect they wouldn't be constantly torturing me in this under hand manner.If they really needed my views or want to change my religion they ought to be approaching me directly and not keep on playing this hide and seek game..
Sum Total--As per specialists of no touch torture and third degree methods who hide their face and identity and
1.I cannot pursue my religion[Hindu] and my sect[Sri Vaishnavism].Coercion will be used if i dare to .
2.My thoughts are read non stop.
3.They can also see what i visualise and this is also non stop.
4.I have to express my opinion, analysis etc on news ,revolving around the voting class -the lower strata of society , which hog tv English news.This will be extracted in coercive manner.
5.I also have to express opinion on foreign news .This also will be extracted in a coercive manner.
6. On one hand coercion will be used to shut me down for a month which is generaly related to attendance of leaders to UN sessions and on other coercion will be used to extract my views on controversies shown on TV .That is I have to write it down.
Did I write my views on news hogging TV .I did but i will not blog it.It is of no use.My diary is no longer personal it is a journal read by all and made use of so why waste my time and energy on writing about controversial matters with which i can never relate with and is very distant from the realities of my life..
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