I am expected to write on all the above.Joke! Cruel Joke.Such suggestions givers must be blind or insolent.
First and foremost I am not enjoying the basic rights that every other women does.There are persons peering at me from every nook and corner of my house , be it kitchen or dining room or hall .To top it all there are persons peering into my bedroom and rest room!The Govt allows it or does it or is turning a blind eye .They read my diary apart from reading my mind.The fact that my mind is read is shown by enactments or make total strangers mouth it ! Isn't this right out of a horror movie?This aspect freezes my mind in panic and blocks my free thinking process .
One popular person whose katha kalathshebhams are avidly heard keeps telling with wonder how one of god's greatest gift to mankind is that one cannot read another persons thoughts. Will he believe me that such a gift taken for granted by all has been forcibilly taken away from me and that horrific fact is rubbed on me with a lot of derision on and off for the past 10 years?He or any one reading this will not believe this since if they did it will strike terror in their hearts .Does this really happen? Aern't we a free society and democratic country?Are all the human rights sham?It is not for a major lot but for few persons like me and the claustrophobic life i am leading since 2012 is real.There could be other persons who are subjected to this sort of torture but they may not know that there life is being trifled with.
Even a Afghan woman under Taliban is freer than me.she has to wear purdah only outside her house whereas i was terrorrised that is a hindu woman with knowledge of Law, in 50' s,to be constantly covered in my own house and not even bare my body even whilst bathing .This was done after blasting my forhead in 2012 and thus putting the fear in me that my body in my house with my husband and son around[without their knowledge] could be invaded by strangers at will .And continued the advantage gained viz my attention and fear by tapping on ceiling when i was changing clothes or bathing etc.Laws, morals and rights be damned.
I was and am expected to write on the lack of rights to Muslim women and atrocities on SC 's and Muslim men.It is ok for political masters to show a very kind human face in such matters becuase they live in a realm much much above than mine .Where as i am living in the ground level for the past 10 years, I have faced hostile glares , derision , contempt and disregard and even abuses from the above mentioned persons and yet i am expected to forgive and forget and write sob stories and hold thier hands on their bertherns miserable conditions.when it hits the head lines'.
I am in the receiving end of hostility from poor to middle class living around me .One muslim family which is well to do ,has for the past 10 years would look up at me only to glare at me.I wouldn't bother if they didn't recognise me but they would make it a point to glare at me if i come in thier vision.When this is the actual reality of my position in here amongst the favourites of liberals would i feel like writing about thier plight ?even if i did write owing to suggestions and deploying vile tactics like shaking my heart deliberately ,would it be respected?
Our SC maid it clear that though i gave her good legal advise and spent hours drafting a document for her for free ,that she respects and has regards for Brahmin woman neighbour who feeds crow with freshly cooked rice early each morning working for her individual self and has only stubborn disdain for me.and my public spiritedness and sees it as patronising and unwanted.In her eyes and several like her have a fixed notion of how a brahmin woman should be so as to command their respect.The problem is that I am expected to earn such persons respect by changing my routine. at the cost of raising my BP.Is it worth it? It is too late in my life to change my routine so that SC's would stop glaring and start saluting me .I could frankly give a damn whether they viz SC's respect me or not. The motivation to do so is laughable.If i am expected to change my leisurely life to a quick and alert one I should be appointed to some Commission or to Rajya sabha . To expect me to forgo my leisurely life and switch back to the hectic pace of my school or college days or to the life in earlier days of marriage when i was up at 5 to send children to school and husband to office and also fit in my work then I should have a good motivation to do so .It is comic that if i switched back to that furious pace at this age i would be rewarded by salutes by a line of sanitary workers with brooms ,wagons and phenyl with respect and that recognition should be my motivation, is totally absurd.
Each month during Amavasai the halla bula created around me is unbelivable.First i ll be provoked to rave against the govt .authorities etc for torturing me with microwaves even if i tend to forget it , salt will be rubbed and my anger will be kept alive.Then the caste upholders in my case viz the fourth caste will during Amavasai frown upon my going out in the mornings and jeer by foisting their customs upon us . In our house hold[Brahmin] it is the custom of men viz husband who would tell mantras to the pitrus and offer til and water .It is his very personal karma .I that is a wife has no role in it unlike the fourth caste men who have no mantras or rituals for Amavasai , The men have to offer vadai to pitrus.A wife is needed to make that vadai.
My presence is of no consequence in amavasai rituals done by my husband .But during the annual Davasam-which are eloborate rituals for departed anscetors conducted with help of priests my presence is a must to start the ceremony by lighting the twigs in homa kund . If i were to gallavant around then [which i do not], without performing that important ritual then it makes sense for Hindu dharma upholders to pass criticism on my conduct.
Next since 2014 i am being persuaded to leave Hindu ways .Just before every festival i would be made to feel depressed that is jamming my forehead .I would even get fever.This was never the case before 2012.I am expecting fatigue and fever before Deepavali which is around the corner. This has become a regular feature. Who would like me to be dissuaded from following a normal Hindu way of life ?It could only be by persons from other two communities that prize conversion .After doing all this to me i am expected to emphathise with thier lot!
I cannot leave my Hindu way of life so that the burkha clad harrindans with fierce looks and aggression writ large on thier face i keep seeing in my walks will grin at me. These women exude hatred .Most of them are grim faced and ugly.I often wonder whether they wear burkha so that they can mask their sour and bitter looks ?as otherwise their own men would get revolted of them and babies would scream in fear .
Nor can i leave my need to refill my knowledge on worldly affairs , so as to please some gospel dispensing Christian woman who look down upon me like as if i am a worm and gossipy serial seeing Hindu house wives and spend my time in prayer, prayer and prayer and spin like a top in the kitchen and shed tears at front of the tv. .
Of the lot i keep coming across to get my daily dose of glares and stares it is women in Burkha and sometimes thier men in casual clothes that is -in pant shirt and dark young lads and sometimes their middle aged dark women relatives ,whose stares are the worst. They are full of hate and aggression. Some are strangers and some are known . So it is perfect sham and totally perverted thinking and action to make me write about people who have scant respect for me and who top it up with pure hostility.
Of late I am expected to write about integeration in our society between various communities .It is fine in upper realms but not ok where i live viz on the ground Since 2012 i have been deliberately socially dis integerated from all communities around me .Those who want me write anecdotes on integeration know it, yet they expect me to write touchingly on such matters and expect me to hide the truth and gloss it over !Another joke ! A cruel insensitive one!
I am expected to write and hold hands with people whom i see every day in various shades of inexplicable hostility and disrespect.Inexplicable because those who show it are all the sort who would have never read my blogs or have the capacity to understand my english writings.so what are they angry at me for ?Maybe they were sent by thier educated bosses who must be equally hostile towards m e.
Seeing so much disrespect towards me i have developed this attitude --why should i bother about such people's issues ?Or lack of their rights .It only hardens me further.towards the very persons I am expected to empathise.
Even the poorest of poor woman may have a sense of privacy ownership and being the sole mistress of her small mud hut!I donot have this luxury.How can i agitate or wax eloquently on others rights?It is sheer perversity that makes persons offer suggestions to write on such topics .
I would have pointed out the evils in Hindu society, shown empathy etc [i have always been indifferent to other communities issues because I am just not bothered about them even before these stares and glares but did have sympathy for SC which has also been wiped off clean by thier constant hostility} had i been the woman i was once with free and and original thinking, confident of myself,trusting govts, having faith in laws, social morality and ethics and absolutely sure of my privacy and secure in family's warmth, trust and affection.
After 2012 when my entire world collapsed and all my rights and, emotional security were taken away and continues as such. How can I champion woman's rights or social reforms in Hindu society or Indian society? I myself need help to restore mine.I can't even do puja in peace, celeberate festivals or visit a temple without hurdles. My mind is constantly occupied by ways and means to overcome interruptions in my daily puja and and am full of doubts whether i can go out for a walk, shopping in a natural manner or visit temples without hurdles and nastiness With constant group stalking i am only bothered about ways to elude it . I was a an empowered woman till 2012 but have become totally disempowered and continue to do so for 10 years , then how can i talk on a high plane like reforms,rights,freedom, integeration etc when i have been scared out my basic rights.I cannot bathe and dress without looking over my shoulders, I cannot eat my food in peace since there are constant suggestions and messagings .I cannot offer a simple prayer in sanskrit and meditate for few seconds without interruptions in forhead.
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